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Archive for the ‘Life after …’ Category

Bull frog Fritz

This is actually fun.LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE. FORWARD ON TO PEOPLE THAT YOU THINK THAT WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THIS… INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. PUT YOUR BIRTHDAY ANIMAL IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND PASS IT ON.Don’t forget to scroll down to see what it says about you.January 01 – 09 ~ AssJanuary 10 – 24 ~ SlugJanuary 25 – 31 ~ CockroachFebruary 01 – 05 ~ ParasiteFebruary 06 – 14 ~ BullfrogFebruary r y 15 – 21 ~ SkunkFebruary 22 – 28 ~ SnakeMarch 01 – 12 ~ ApeMarch 13 – 15 ~ CockroachMarch 16 – 23 ~ SlugMarch 24 – 31 ~ ParasiteApril 01 – 03 ~ AssApril 04 – 14 ~ SnakeApril 15 – 26 ~ SlugApril 27 – 30 ~ SkunkMay 01 – 13 ~ SlugMay 14 – 21 ~ BullfrogMay 22 – 31 ~ CockroachJune 01 – 03 ~ SlugJune 04 – 14 ~ SkunkJune 15 – 20 ~ AssJune 21 – 24 ~ ApeJune 25 – 30 ~ ParasiteJuly 01 – 09 ~ SlugJuly 10 – 15 ~ AssJuly 16 – 26 ~ BullfrogJuly 27 – 31 ~ ParasiteAugust 01 – 15 ~ ApeAugust 16 – 25 ~ SlugAugust 26 – 31 ~ SkunkSeptember 01 – 14 ~ BullfrogSeptember 15 – 27 ~ ParasiteSeptember 28 – 30 ~ AssOctober 01 – 15 ~ ApeOctober 16 – 27 ~ SkunkOctober 28 – 31 ~ SnakeNovember 01 – 16 ~ CockroachNovember 17 – 30 ~ ParasiteDecember 01 – 16 ~ AssDecember 17 – 25 ~ ApeDecember 26 – 31 ~ BullfrogIf you are an Ass : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble, and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little gr! oup of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.If you are a Slug : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what mak e s you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek your company and look forward to include you for all get-together’s. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!If you are a Cockroach : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfull! y deriv e work from people. You love being loved and when you receive your share of limelight from s omeone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well… Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful…..If you are a Parasite : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you’re cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You’re a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don’t like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.If you are a Skunk : You are near to perfect and nice at heart! . The e xamples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn’t like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one’s back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give, and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.If you are a Bullfrog : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of fri ends! and go od at consoling pe ople in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love….If you are a Snake : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the w! ay you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.If you are an Ape : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

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APOPHIS: 2036

 

It’s called Apophis. It’s 390m wide. And it could hit Earth in 31 years time

Scientists call for plans to change asteroid’s path Developing technology could take decades

Alok Jha
Wednesday December 7, 2005
The Guardian

Artist's impression of an asteroid heading for Earth
While people worry about the risks of flying or bird flu, an asteroid strike is far more likely. Photograph: Getty Images
In Egyptian myth, Apophis was the ancient spirit of evil and destruction, a demon that was determined to plunge the world into eternal darkness.A fitting name, astronomers reasoned, for a menace now hurtling towards Earth from outerspace. Scientists are monitoring the progress of a 390-metre wide asteroid discovered last year that is potentially on a collision course with the planet, and are imploring governments to decide on a strategy for dealing with it.
Nasa has estimated that an impact from Apophis, which has an outside chance of hitting the Earth in 2036, would release more than 100,000 times the energy released in the nuclear blast over Hiroshima. Thousands of square kilometres would be directly affected by the blast but the whole of the Earth would see the effects of the dust released into the atmosphere.And, scientists insist, there is actually very little time left to decide. At a recent meeting of experts in near-Earth objects (NEOs) in London, scientists said it could take decades to design, test and build the required technology to deflect the asteroid. Monica Grady, an expert in meteorites at the Open University, said: “It’s a question of when, not if, a near Earth object collides with Earth. Many of the smaller objects break up when they reach the Earth’s atmosphere and have no impact. However, a NEO larger than 1km [wide] will collide with Earth every few hundred thousand years and a NEO larger than 6km, which could cause mass extinction, will collide with Earth every hundred million years. We are overdue for a big one.”Apophis had been intermittently tracked since its discovery in June last year but, in December, it started causing serious concern. Projecting the orbit of the asteroid into the future, astronomers had calculated that the odds of it hitting the Earth in 2029 were alarming. As more observations came in, the odds got higher.Having more than 20 years warning of potential impact might seem plenty of time. But, at last week’s meeting, Andrea Carusi, president of the Spaceguard Foundation, said that the time for governments to make decisions on what to do was now, to give scientists time to prepare mitigation missions. At the peak of concern, Apophis asteroid was placed at four out of 10 on the Torino scale – a measure of the threat posed by an NEO where 10 is a certain collision which could cause a global catastrophe. This was the highest of any asteroid in recorded history and it had a 1 in 37 chance of hitting the Earth. The threat of a collision in 2029 was eventually ruled out at the end of last year.

Alan Fitzsimmons, an astronomer from Queen’s University Belfast, said: “When it does pass close to us on April 13 2029, the Earth will deflect it and change its orbit. There’s a small possibility that if it passes through a particular point in space, the so-called keyhole, … the Earth’s gravity will change things so that when it comes back around again in 2036, it will collide with us.” The chance of Apophis passing through the keyhole, a 600-metre patch of space, is 1 in 5,500 based on current information.

There are no shortage of ideas on how to deflect asteroids. The Advanced Concepts Team at the European Space Agency have led the effort in designing a range of satellites and rockets to nudge asteroids on a collision course for Earth into a different orbit.

No technology has been left unconsidered, even potentially dangerous ideas such as nuclear powered spacecraft. “The advantage of nuclear propulsion is a lot of power,” said Prof Fitzsimmons. “The negative thing is that … we haven’t done it yet. Whereas with solar electric propulsion, there are several spacecraft now that do use this technology so we’re fairly confident it would work.”

The favoured method is also potentially the easiest – throwing a spacecraft at an asteroid to change its direction. Esa plans to test this idea with its Don Quixote mission, where two satellites will be sent to an asteroid. One of them, Hidalgo, will collide with the asteroid at high speed while the other, Sancho, will measure the change in the object’s orbit. Decisions on the actual design of these probes will be made in the coming months, with launch expected some time in the next decade. One idea that seems to have no support from astronomers is the use of explosives.

Prof Fitzsimmons. “If you explode too close to impact, perhaps you’ll get hit by several fragments rather than one, so you spread out the area of damage.”

In September, scientists at Strathclyde and Glasgow universities began computer simulations to work out the feasibility of changing the directions of asteroids on a collision course for Earth. In spring next year, there will be another opportunity for radar observations of Apophis that will help astronomers work out possible future orbits of the asteroid more accurately.

If, at that stage, they cannot rule out an impact with Earth in 2036, the next chance to make better observations will not be until 2013. Nasa has argued that a final decision on what to do about Apophis will have to be made at that stage.

“It may be a decision in 2013 whether or not to go ahead with a full-blown mitigation mission, but we need to start planning it before 2013,” said Prof Fitzsimmons. In 2029, astronomers will know for sure if Apophis will pose a threat in 2036. If the worst-case scenarios turn out to be true and the Earth is not prepared, it will be too late. “If we wait until 2029, it would seem unlikely that you’d be able to do anything about 2036,” said Mr Yates.

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Hunting an ElephantElephant by Deddi shy

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer programmers hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Economists don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Experienced economists never saw an elephant, but they try to hunt one by controlling the interest rates.

Statisticians hunt the first gray animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Experienced statisticians add that there is a small probability that the animal they hunted is a mouse.

Lawyers can let hunting a single elephant drag out for several years.
Experienced lawyers can make it last even longer.

Consultants don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
Experienced consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Experienced politicians take the elephant for themselves and blame the press.

Managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Experienced managers keep in the project file the advise that claims that elephants are just like field mice.

Sales people don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Experienced sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Computer sales people catch gray animals at random, and sell any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Experienced computer sales people catch gray rabbits, and sell them as desktop elephants.

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Entry level position:
You’ll be making minimum wage.
Entry level position in an up-and-coming company:
You’ll be making minimum wage; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Profit sharing plan:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
Competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Nationally recognized leader:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
Immediate opening:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
Casual work atmosphere:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment:
We have a lot of turnover.
Must be deadline oriented:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Flexible hours:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Must have an eye for detail:
We have no quality control.
College degree preferred:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
Career minded:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem solving skills a must:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

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I know how to deal with stressful situations:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
My pertinent work experience includes:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
I take pride in my work:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I’m balanced and centered:
I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.
I have a sense of humor:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I’m willing to relocate:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
I’m extremely professional:
I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirements:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
I am on the go:
I’m never at my desk.
I’m highly motivated to succeed:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
I have formal training:
I’m a college dropout.
I interact well with co-workers:
I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and consideration:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

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Laugh at Work

A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED

Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be

bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

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Physical or verbal abuse against
workers is bang out of order

 

In 2004, the Scottish Executive launched a public awareness campaign to address the problem of attacks on public-facing workers. The objective was to gain awareness of the issue and build public consensus that violence, whether physical or verbal, against those who work for the public is unaccep-table.

Many workers consider most types of abuse, and certainly verbal abuse, to be just ‘part of the job’. A ‘punchbag’ campaign on television and outdoor was developed using the line ‘Violence against workers is bang out of order’.

In Year two, the campaign continued and was developed to include the need to report such abuse, and provided the Crimestoppers Scotland hotline 0800 555 111 telephone number to report incidents, and the web address www.infoscotland.com/violenceatwork for more information.

Research concluded that the campaign was very successful with over 75% of the public strongly agreeing that physical and verbal abuse against workers was unacceptable and it must be reported.

However, although there is a high level of agreement ‘in principle’, in practice too many incidents are still not reported due a belief by many workers that nothing can be done about such behaviour.

So in Year three, a campaign has been developed to demonstrate that physical and verbal abuse are criminal offences and that there are consequences to behaviour such as threatening, spitting and physical abuse.

Depending on the severity of the case consequences can range from a fine to community service to time in jail.

The law takes physical and verbal abuse against workers seriously and this campaign reflects this.

The ads feature a cross-section of workers with ‘crime scene tape’ encasing their faces highlighting the abuse they have been a victim of, and states the consequences of the action for the perpetrator.

The campaign appears in press and outdoor sites and a mail pack is being sent to GP surgeries throughout Scotland in ‘flu season’ when patients are more likely to be abusive to practice staff.

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